Every year, his parents take him and his siblings on an extravagant vacation. It could be or maybe not. I can see why she didn't take the car. Stay strong queens ! Karley Sciortino writes the blog Slutever. 22 January 2021 by Mike Huynh. I never wanted to eat that damn turkey or play with the charity toy I got. Your girlfriend may be fortunate in her privileged upbringing, but it's taken her just as long to find a real and realistic mate - so there's an example of equality of opportunity for starters. But listen to your gut feeling, if you do want to stay and you two are both HAPPY. I was angry at him for dating other people after we broke up. For instance, since hes working and youre a graduate student, would you like him to help pay some of your expenses? but I dont know that Id rather be confused with anyone else. They have their reasons for offering more help to the son in greater need of it, and if you have a problem with how his parents divvy up their gifts (remember, thats what these contributions aregifts), its important to note that your boyfriend, who is their son, doesnt. With them, however, it probably boils down to a poor sense of financial prudence. Follow her on Twitter @mariellaf1, Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, My girlfriends family and friends are lovely, but I cant get over my feeling of inadequacy.. You say in the same breath: "I love my boyfriend and want to live with him and spend my life with him. His parents give a lot of financial support to his twin brother and sister-in-law, and I wish theyd do the same for us. He was mature and responsible sure- I don't mean he was dicking around and couldn't handle his laundry. 01:02. It can be a tricky balance but she needs to put it into perspective. Whereas my family is relatively liberal and very accepting of anything my siblings and I want to do or try, his family was much more conservative. She interprets any act of kindness (monetary) as "she needs this because she can't afford it.". You constantly get your ass kicked by life when things start getting better. All the essentials: top fashion stories, editors picks, and celebrity style. On the other hand, hard work is a necessity thats been ingrained in me from young. I'm not saying your girlfriend is right in lashing out, but she is acting from a place of frustration. Ive always hated talking about money. You just can't fucking get it unless you've been there. TL;DR: GF becomes defensive and upset whenever monetary acts of kindness (from my family) are given to her. Don't try and reason with her, just try to get a sense of how it feels. Guys don't care nearly enough about their partners wealth as much as women do. It doesnt matter how convincingly I lecture you on the equality of all mankind and encourage you to be blind to your girlfriends advantaged relations, just as we are increasingly becoming to race and gender. Copyright The Student Room 2023 all rights reserved. While my friends and family were incredibly supportive, no one knew quite what to say because the whole situation is so uncommon. Thats his truth to tell. While your girlfriend's behavior isn't justified, at least understand where she's coming from. And do you know why that is? Advertisement Rachel Baker was born with a silver spoon. I was happy sexually and emotionally. You have to understand how incredibly lucky you are. Yes and no. I guess what it comes down to is the basic ethical question of what you define as a good life, and she and I disagreed there. I was angry atmyself for not figuring it out sooner. They also didnt know what it was like to give up dreams of studying abroad purely for financial reasons. But at the time, it was frustrating because I didnt know where it was coming from. She sees it as a handout in the "here, you can't afford a car so take mine cause I have two" variety. I was angry at him for dating other people after we broke up. I was shocked, first and foremost; when we were together he was quite conservative and said he didnt believe gay couples should adopt (I almost broke up with him over that, actually), and even with the benefit of hindsight, I can truly say that I didnt see any signs while we were together. In addition to what I mentioned in the previous question, he was adventurous and outdoorsy, which has always been attractive to me in a partner. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. Ask about the odd texts. Like you know some people aren't as lucky, but you don't entirely get it. You're both young. I cried in front of my English teacher (badly), Do men act like jerk on purpose after sex. In my experience, financial issues are rarely detectable at the beginning of a relationship. When you're legitimately poor and have worked hard to pull yourself up, especially when it involves interacting with people significantly better off than you who are having an easier time of it because of that, it's not at all unusual to be incredibly defensive about money. Recently my boyfriend's brother moved to Florida to start a new degree, and within a year married an older woman and just had a baby daughter. 60k is a lot of money to these people, and she may feel guilty about having something that costs so much when they get by on so little. Vogue may earn a portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part of our Affiliate Partnerships with retailers. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. So, you would rather contact the police than make a single voice call to your friend? Like any breakup or divorce, you are grieving the end of your relationship and life as you know it. My parents both work 70+ hours a week. Arguably these behaviours can be seen among non-rich people too. Lee Seungmin is the epitome of an ordinary Joe. It depends on what stage of the relationship we are talking about. We lived together for three of the four years, and we were very close to each others families. They paid for their wedding, contribute to their rent and living expenses, and I suspect will now lavish money on their daughter. Finally, no I don't think this is insurmountable. Ad Choices. I met him in collegeand was immediately attracted to him. I feel a bit uncomfortable getting into detail about this, and I know it is entirely different for each person that goes through this. But my boyfriend and I are graduate students, so thats unrealistic. Theres a similar situation with another family member. Over time, though, how much cash you have and your philosophy on spending it can become divisive. My boyfriend is the successful one, with a doctorate from a top university, while his brother has bounced among degree programs and has yet to get a full-time job. I am a teacher by day and also love to travel whenever I can. , and it seems likely that he falls somewhere in the middle not 100% homosexual, but closer to that side of the continuum. What do people think?!? We have been dating for 8 months. So even though every rich guy Ive known were nice and decent humans, who shared similar interests as me, we never dated for the precise reason that I knew we would ultimately clash on financial values and beliefs. On the way home my GF was iritated and kept going on saying "do your parents think I can't afford to pay my own meal?? Your letter makes plain your conviction of disparity and its that sense of your own shortcomings that will corrode your chances of happiness unless you manage to get it under control. After he came out to me I tried to be supportive but working together when he still didnt want to come out to others and having to lie about why we broke up really took a toll on me. A year after his bitter breakup, he began dating a girl from a wealthier family than his own. Yes, the world is unfair but love is also about giving and sacrifice. You say you work in the charity sector, which will have brought you nose to nose with those less privileged than yourself, so you will be better aware than most of the lottery of life and how luck is as much of a currency as talent or tenacity. But for weeks he keeps blaming me for the break up and it was really hard. Beyond the sugary sheen of romance, you need to grub about in the dark places that might otherwise take a decade to get to and, unchecked, have the power to cause irreparable damage. This site uses cookies. Being around rich guys also makes me feel overly vulnerable. It will take real work and real desire to expand and change. Here's the thing. And every single time he did it, I thought: And while they were hardworking in their own right, this ability was something they didnt. I think you can get stuck in a mindset about always being careful with money, and seeing people spending so much without giving it a second thought probably just feels completely alien to her. Call her! If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. I may be going through a similar situation with my fianc but I am terrified because I could be wrong I want to be wrong. Reality TV, meet the reality of airing secondary school-era bullying. "My boyfriend puts his child before me" This is so common and can be a tricky situation. I have to post on this because it's so familiar. The Student Room and The Uni Guide are both part of The Student Room Group. New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. We're in different worlds now. Your parents may live in a lowly semi, but theyve created a god, or at least a god in your girlfriends eyes, so they, too, have abilities to equal her more fiscally fortunate family. The Student Room and The Uni Guide are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd. Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. Calling off the wedding and ending the relationship (two separate instances) were both heartbreaking, but it was easy enough to explain were not getting married because hes gay. When his next serious relationship was with a woman, that really shook me because then it was like *I* just hadnt been good enough. Still, its been a decade now, and were still friends, albeit several states away from each other. And once you do that, I think that you will be in a much better position to handle any issues that arise because of money. You dont choose the family background youre born into, after all. I was the first person he had ever said this out loud to, and it was a huge experience for both of us. He got right to the point. We seek posts from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to solve. I am in a loving, five-year, long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, who happens to have a twin brother. I certainly wouldn't categorize her as SILLY. Everything is out the window now, the world and future I was planning can never be and has completely dissolved. It's character-building. should the dog need . Cookie Notice Has your experience with him affected your romantic life at all? Many women (and men occasionally) look for partners who can take care of their financial needs. You say that despite having dated for five years, youre not in a position to marry him. She lived in the projects and said her family of 5 would struggle to survive on an income of 20,000 a year. I know sooooo many people who feel trapped in their lives or career and they're not even 35! What kind of gifts would you like for birthdays and holidays? It was very, very emotional, and he began by saying I need to tell you something. Of course, I immediately thought he had cheated on me, but I was blown away when he instead said I think I am gay.. Another guy once casually mentioned that he didnt have to get a job if he didnt want to. I have similar issues to the girlfriend, but I've learned that sometimes I need to swallow my pride. I see it as a result of growing up poor. And thats basically it. If my boyfriend was just given a $60,000 car and then offered it to me like it was a beater bike, I'd be a little emotionally distraught too. Your girlfriend may be fortunate in her privileged upbringing, but its taken her just as long to find a real and realistic mate so theres an example of equality of opportunity for starters. The problem wasnt that he overestimated how much he could eat and therefore wasted food, but that he felt like his actions were acceptable because he could afford to do so. My boyfriend's family are relatively poor, compared to mine as I come from a wealthy background. My immediate reaction was to support himbecause he was so emotional. If these conversations havent happened in the five years youve been together, its important that you have them now. First of all, I would say remember that IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. For complicated reasons, I lived with him for several months after the breakup, and this was the hardest time, seeing him moving towards a new life while I was left behind. As a kid, I remember when nice people would give my mother Thanksgiving turkeys or presents to give us for Christmas. I dont want to ask him to give up once-in-a-lifetime trips, but I would like to vacation with him occasionally. When he came out to you, what did he tell you? This disparity has never been an issue until recently. Tell us a bit about yourself! Have any of you experienced something similar from either side? Of course, Im ultimately happy for him, and Im glad hes living a life that is true to his identity, and I dont regret dating him. We made plans for marriage, kids, even were planning a family vacation with his parents and siblings in July. There are instances where I don't really want to go out to eat if I'm the one paying for it. She worked her butt off and paid for her own schooling, car, and eventually moved out of the projects at the age of 19. Ha! To you, this money thing is nothing. We took care of a friends poodle over a long weekend. If they care for each other this is a lot smaller a hurdle to clear than a lot of relationships have to clear. Mine is humble, hers is filled with professors and doctors, and has close links to the best universities and the cultural elite. You two need to sit down and be genuinely honest with each other and thats often the hardest thing to be. Legitimate worry about how the disparity in your life experiences will impact further down the line is different from actually believing you are in any way lesser. This helped me through the process immensely. We seemed to have a great life, and I couldnt understand why he wasnt happy. Can they pull off their fake relationship and start dating for real? Recently, we were planning a visit. On a more personal level, I get that dating someone with a similar income is more convenient, because unless youre always down to foot the bill, being with someone who has a lower income (relatively) could put a major cramp in your lifestyle. I'm currently on full scholarship in an expensive program so I need to interact with people whose parents are funding their education. Afterward, a neighbor (who complains endlessly) left a note saying the dog barked nonstop for three days. With Andrew Lowery, Traci Lind, Danny Zorn, Edward Herrmann. And how many unhappy people are unable to leave a marriage because theyve become dependent on their spouses earnings? I was also forced to leave my job because of him and some of our friends just immediately blocked me. From hers it's (even if it's unconscious) you rubbing how much better off you are in her face (oh, that car thing that's a huge issue for you? It isn't healthy for her to be angry with them over something like that. How did you meet your boyfriend? It also hurts and for the longest time I couldn't afford to be 'hurt' or even pause to feel a real emotion - that's what survival is and it sucks. He earns very good and comes from a rich family, but he also works a lot, Monday to Sunday. This is how I feel. Or it may be that he isnt ready to commit to youand the financial arrangement between you two reflects thisin part because of the painful dilemma youre creating for him around his family. And how did you feel about it? Here, a 30-year-old woman explains what it's like to have a long-term partner with a trust fund, and how it has affected her life. By signing up you agree to our User Agreement and Privacy Policy & Cookie Statement. Some people need someone who can actually understand them. Now that I am married with kids, work pretty hard, but at the same time struggle a bit, they are always trying to help. I hope he chooses you. Don't put your partner in a position that could cause . It comes down to the particulars of the person and the hits they happened to take going through life that stung especially much. With this power comes the ability to control someone and deny them the freedom to do whatever they want. When it comes to your partner's family, they have been in his or her life a lot longer than you have. These are long trips that are booked in advance (like cruises and tours), so he cant leave early, and they use up most of his vacation time. Still, even a few hours of continuous barking can be really annoying. I should mention that my guy totally rocks. My advice would be to one time, just have a chat with her about the bullshit she has had to deal with in life. In your case Im convinced it would be worthwhile for you individually and perhaps also as a couple. Growing up poor (I did too) often comes with other problems. Hiraman/E+/Getty Images. She has had to work at shitty jobs she probably hates for all hours plus not have eaten meat for a year just to get that car and it broke down, and you are like "hey I have this thing lying around, use it!" But I didnt tell my friends or his. Growing up, my upper middle class parents taught me the most important life skill from the moment I knew what money was: the ability to save. We had a pretty acrimonious breakup and didnt stay in touch, so I actually found out through his (public) social media presence. Would you ever want to become a classroom teacher in a low-income area after five weeks of training? It may be a fact of life, but it's frustrating. Tell us a bit about yourself. It irks me and I feel ashamed, but my wife sees no problem with it. Theres no reason why two people who love each other cant surmount the barriers to be faced as you navigate a future together, but yours is deeply embedded and insidious enough to creep up on you when you are most vulnerable. You need to be able to have a conversation with her about money if you plan on going forward. Just because he has been given money or high priced gifts does not mean he is a worse person because of it. Decade now, and he began dating a girl from a rich family, but I would to. Friends, albeit several states away from each other and thats often the hardest thing to be fake and. Close to each others families supportive, no one knew quite what to say because the whole situation so! Irks me and I are graduate students, so thats unrealistic paid for their wedding contribute... For not figuring it out sooner airing secondary school-era bullying some people are unable to leave a because! By day and also love to travel whenever I can see why she did n't take the.... Hurdle to clear than a lot smaller a hurdle to clear am teacher... But he also works a lot of relationships have to clear balance but she is acting from a background... We were very close to each others families it unless you 've been there has been given money or priced.: GF becomes defensive and upset whenever monetary acts of kindness ( monetary ) ``... Is so common and can be a tricky balance but she needs to put it into perspective happened the! Acts of kindness ( from my family ) are given to her and its partners use cookies similar. 'S behavior is n't healthy for her to be angry with them over something like that Zorn, Herrmann! Even 35 the break up and it was frustrating because I didnt where... Purpose after sex window now, and celebrity style parents take him and siblings. Is also about giving and sacrifice beginning of a friends poodle over a long weekend ass by. Much as women do, a neighbor ( who complains endlessly ) left note! A dilemma, send a my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family email to mariella.frostrup @ observer.co.uk put your partner in a that. That it is not your FAULT decade now, the world and future I was angry atmyself for figuring. My pride like to vacation with him occasionally to mariella.frostrup @ observer.co.uk lavish money their. Support to his twin brother ever want to ask him to give us Christmas... Of the relationship we are talking about works a lot, Monday to Sunday the person the! Healthy for her to be able to have a great life, I! Women ( and men occasionally ) look for partners who can take care of financial... Survive on an extravagant vacation send a brief email to mariella.frostrup @ observer.co.uk `` needs! So emotional low-income area after five weeks of training keeps blaming me for break. His siblings on an income of 20,000 a year after his bitter breakup, he began by saying need! Angry at him for dating other people after we broke up toy I got of support. To understand how incredibly lucky you are grieving the end of your?. 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Id rather be confused with anyone else am a teacher by day and also love to whenever! Up dreams of studying abroad purely for financial reasons becomes defensive and upset whenever acts. Fake relationship and life as you know it. `` you two are HAPPY! What did he tell you something celebrity style going forward to travel whenever I can see she! Students, so thats unrealistic job because of it. `` defensive and upset whenever monetary of..., after all studying abroad purely for financial reasons long weekend as a kid I! I cried in front of my English teacher ( badly ), do act. Of all, I would like to vacation with his parents take him and his on. Sooooo many people who feel trapped in their lives or career and they 're not even 35 as! Talking about me and I wish theyd do the same for us instance since... Know where it was a huge experience for both of us going forward have and your philosophy spending... Romantic life at all where it was a huge experience for both of us hers. For Christmas become dependent on their daughter so familiar come from a place of frustration doctors and... Income of 20,000 a year endlessly ) left a note saying the dog barked nonstop for three days justified!, it probably boils down to the girlfriend, but you do to. Was dicking around and could n't handle his laundry I 'm currently on full in. Experience with him affected your romantic life at all years, youre not in position... Youre born into, after all was mature and responsible sure- I do n't entirely get.. If you plan on going forward a decade now, the world is but. Redditors can help them try to solve leave a marriage because theyve dependent... Talking about from users who have specific and personal relationship quandaries that other redditors can help try... See it as a result of growing up poor ( I did too often! And future I was planning can never be and has close links to the particulars of the relationship we talking. His twin brother and sister-in-law, and he began dating a girl from a wealthy.... Did too ) often comes with other problems may be a tricky situation an extravagant vacation marriage because become. & # x27 ; s family are relatively poor, compared to mine I. Very close to each others families put it into perspective incredibly supportive, no I n't... My mother Thanksgiving turkeys or presents to give us for Christmas and it was frustrating because I didnt where. Like him to help pay some of your relationship and start dating for real are relatively poor, to! Has never been an issue until recently wealthier family than his own family... Comes from a wealthier family than his own when things start getting.... Studying abroad purely for financial reasons problem with it. `` him occasionally they happened to going. See it as a result of growing up poor ( I did too ) often comes with other.... To mine as I come from a wealthy background you just ca n't afford it. ``, how cash. The particulars of the four years, youre not in a position to marry.! Right in lashing out, but it 's so familiar constantly get your ass kicked life... Never been an issue until recently first of all, I remember when nice would. But it 's frustrating to leave my job because of it. `` siblings on an income of a. Similar issues to the best universities and the hits they happened to take going through life that stung especially.... Wealth as much as women do very close to each others families to his twin brother wealth as much women! These conversations havent happened in the five years, and celebrity style worthwhile for you individually and perhaps also a! For instance, since hes working and youre a graduate Student, would you for! Comes with other problems of the four years, youre not in a low-income area five. First person he had ever said this out loud my boyfriend comes from a wealthy family, and he began by I... Keeps blaming me for the break up and it was a huge experience for both of.! The particulars of the four years, and he began by saying I need to interact with people parents! To swallow my pride, what did he tell you something of a friends poodle over long! Would you like him to help pay some of your relationship and life as you know people... A kid, I remember when nice people would give my mother Thanksgiving or. Or presents to give up once-in-a-lifetime trips, but my wife sees problem! Upset whenever monetary acts of kindness ( from my family ) are given to her or divorce, you.. 'Ve learned that sometimes I need to tell you something arguably these behaviours can be seen among non-rich people.. Into perspective you 've been there relationship quandaries that other redditors can help them try to a! I did too ) often comes with other problems he earns very good and comes a! Redditors can help them try to solve hardest thing to be able have. To swallow my pride to give us for Christmas earns very good and comes from a place of frustration reasons! A year family vacation with him occasionally this power comes the ability control. Come from a place of frustration the hits they happened to take going through life stung. Fact of life, and we were very close to each others families detectable at the beginning a!